Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Mother's Heart

I turned 13 living in a women's shelter.

It wasn't the ideal situation. Sharing a bedroom and bathroom with up to 11 other people. Not going to school. Living off the bare-pickings in the food pantry. Having nothing to my name but the clothes on my back and a few items from the donation closet.

It was a challenging time, but what most would assume to be a dark time in my life turned out to be anything but.

The circumstances that took us there (my mom, sister and I) were definitely dark. It was a protective shelter, for women and children escaping abusive situations. But God, in his true character, used that ugly situation and created something beautiful.

It was there, in that shelter, that God revealed in me a mother's heart.

My sister and I were the oldest children in the shelter. There were lots of little ones, and there were lots of mothers. Mothers who were beaten, broken, and tired. It was there, when the mothers escaped mentally and emotionally, and sometimes even physically, that God revealed part of his plan for me.

I loved those little ones with all of my heart, and I helped to care for them whenever I could. There, in a situation that I am sure the devil intended to tear me down, I was built up instead. Changing diapers, giving baths, tucking the little ones in at night, these things gave me joy.

Since that time, God has continued to grow in me a mother's heart. A heart to love, care for, encourage, disciple, and celebrate the lives of children. He has blessed me with jobs and relationships where I can do all these things.

But he has yet to bless me with my own child.

And that brings me to today, where I am faced with what could be another dark situation.

In September I started having shooting pains in my stomach. After testing, testing, and more testing, the doctors have, over the last 8 months, diagnosed me with a condition that is not life-threatening, but could, and will likely, effect my ability to have children.

I have been prayed for. Many people have laid their hands on me in prayers for healing. Every 4 weeks I have gone in for more testing, each time hanging on to the hope that the results will be different than the months before. Each time walking away disappointed.

This is not something I have shared with a lot of people. Strangers who have prayed for me know more than many of my dear friends. But a couple nights ago I was praying, and God reminded me how he has taken ugly situations in my life, and turned them into something beautiful. And then he challenged me. The question that swept over my heart was this: How are these things going to bring God glory if I don't share them?

So I am writing this to say that I have faith. God has placed in me a mother's heart, and He has a plan to use it for his glory.

I have faith that He can heal me. But I also have faith that His ways are higher than my ways.

I go in for more testing tomorrow.

Maybe this time I will be healed. Maybe not. Either way I continue to hold on to the truth that He has something greater planned for me than I could ever imagine. Either way, I will hold on to this truth, and I will not walk away disappointed.

Because, in this very moment, He is creating something beautiful.


2boymommy said...

yes, he is creating something beautiful through beautiful you!!! i will continue to pray for you and your tests tomorrow!
god has a perfect plan for your life... remember that!!!
i love you!

Mark Langham said...

I hope your appointment went well. I know God can heal you, and I know that His glory may be manifest greater if He doesn't. But I have no doubt that he has prepared you to be a mother, if not for your own child, for the tens of millions of orphans that are going to be exploited if Christians don't step in and protect them. Your childhood has bred in you empathy and humility that will allow you to truly love the cast-offs and the discards of this world. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Rebecca said...

To everyone who has been praying and calling or emailing to ask for the results...thank you. I will not know the outcome of these tests until my follow-up appointment on May 12th. Thanks for all the love :)

leah said...

Becca! You are wonderful! thank you so much for putting me on your prayer wall. that is such a blessing. where are you living now? i would love to catch up more some time. may the lord bless you and heal you and continue to use your beautiful mother heart to touch those who need it so much. love to you from romania...Leah

Gayle said...

I agree with 2boymommy--God has created something beautiful in you. This blog is deep and vulnerable. God has a plan for you, dear one; never doubt it.
Lovingly, Gayle

Mrs Night Owl said...

Becca, how is everything? I've been praying for you sister.

rica said...

Thank you for sharing. I will be praying for you also that you will find the healing but also the Healer whom you seek. I know deeply how painful this journey is both physically and emotionally. Hold on to the truth you know with your very life and remember that no matter what the world may say... you are a mother. Remember your calling and remember God's promises. Surround yourself with women who can encourage you in times of doubt. I share your suffering. Please feel free to write if you need to vent or cry. I am praying for you, my friend.