Oh, Dear

Today, I came home from work feeling super motivated. This whole eating crazy healthy thing has inspired me to live healthier all around, which has helped me feel better even though my body is still completely out of whack.

I decided to do my favorite new workout. I went upstairs and changed, and came down to realize I had forgotten my shoes. I went back upstairs and got my shoes. Came downstairs to realize I forgot my weights. Went back upstairs and did who knows what and came back downstairs...without the weights. Lets just make a long story short here and say that getting ready for my workout was as much of a workout as the actual workout.

To redeem myself, I decided to make some tea. I was victorious and remembered to turn the stove off before the water boiled dry. Ha, take that.

Just in case anyone is keeping track, the score is now

Me: 1           Hormones: 587

Hummus, Movies, and Mindlessness

So, after last week's most depressing post ever, I thought I had better check in and let you all know I'm doing better. For the last week I have had an undeniable peace wash over me, and I have no doubt that your prayers, encouragement, and willingness to listen have been a huge part of this.

Thank you.

I have been busy getting back to life as normal, which has included a bit of madness.

Among the highlights, I have spent 3 afternoons with one of the girls I mentor and her boyfriend shopping for prom (we"ll just leave it at that for now :), I bottle fed two baby bobcats (I have friends who volunteer for a wildlife rehab program, and they bring home lots of cool things),  I have flown kites with many children, but most of all I have been adjusting to my new diet (this is the madness part). 

This diet is specifically designed for women with endometriosis, and from talking to other women who have gone through the stage 4 endo battle that I am now facing, many say this diet has dramatically helped pain levels and the overall advancement of the disease. Its a pretty rough diet, but compared to the harsh and unatural options I have been given, I definitely think it is worth a try.

In this diet there are a lot of nos. No wheat, no soy (which, incase you were wondering, is in everything), no dairy, no refined sugars, no additives or preservatives, no chocolate, no caffeine, no canned or frozen packaged foods, no fried or fatty foods, no red meat...do you want me to keep going?

Basically I think this diet is close to how God intended for us to eat, and I am sure will benefit my overall health even if  it is not successful with the pain.

But it's not easy.

This was my lunch today:

Brown rice and lentils topped with spinach and hummus, all organic.

Thankfully I can eat hummus, because hummus makes everything taste better.

I have been experimenting and taste testing, and I gotta say, even though it doesn't look too appealing, this is one of the better things I have eaten this last week.

And, although I love veggies, rice, hummus, fruit, and the handful of other things I am allowed to eat, well, black beans and salsa with rice don't taste quite as good while you are in a room full of people eating pizza and chocolate cake.

So far, I have not noticed much difference with pain levels, but I am only going on day six.

I can tell you that this diet has yet to help with my hormonal mindlessness.

As I left the house this evening to take home a girl I mentor, I told her to remind me to drop off the rental movie on the way. Sure enough, two miles down the road, after she shouted "Movie!" at me about 14 times, I asked her why the heck she was shouting at me (I admit I was looking around thinking someone in a car next to us was watching a movie on one of those seat t.v. things and she was really excited about it). Finally she composed herself and told me in a complete sentence that I passed the movie rental place.

Oh. yeah. Movie. I knew that.

I've noticed things like this have been happening a lot lately, and I am wondering, am I the only one?

Do you guys have any moments of mindlessness you would like to share? Am I the only person who leaves notes to remind myself to put a shirt on before leaving the house? (Not that I would leave the house topless...but in my pajamas or an undershirt...possible).

Please, tell me I'm not crazy!

Also, if any of you are health foodies or secret chefs, I would love help in the diet food recipe department.

(And for those of you with endo, have you tried this diet? Has it worked for you?)

On Days Like Today

Two years ago when I discovered that the severe pain I was having was an issue involving my ovaries, I had hope. Hope that this issue would go away on its own and leave me healthy and feeling good, and able to have children.

Since then I have had test after test, doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment, and after each one I find my hope has dwindled just a little.

Then two weeks ago I had surgery. Going into surgery I had hope that after all the bad stuff was removed, I would recover and be healthy and feeling good, and be able to have children.

After the surgery I learned that although I kept the good stuff that I need, the bad stuff was everywhere, and that the cause of it is something that comes back. Still, I had hope that after surgery I would recover and be healthy and feeling good for a long time, maybe even years, before it comes back, and that during this time I would be able to have children.

Then today I had my post-op appointment, and lets just say that I came home with what's left of my hope. If I am able to have children, it will be by the grace of God. And either way, with or without being able to carry a child of my own, it's going to be a long and painful road, just living with my diagnosis.

In the beginning of this journey, I found this verse, and since have carried it with me, close to my heart.

"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the Lord. Isaiah 54:1

I know that God has given me a Mother's Heart, and he has blessed me with many children to love. But to be honest, it is still hard.

I try to 'Sing and shout for joy', and most days I do. But somedays, like today, all I can do is cling to the hope that I have, and cry.

Medicine for the Soul

I came home from surgery yesterday to my own little personal bouquet of sunshine.

Thank you April, they are beautiful.

I also found find this little note from Zimbabwe in my email:

We are praying for you so that you have a successful surgery, we have declared this day a day of prayer and fasting. Remember The LORD says 'Be still and know that I am LORD'. Psalm 103vs3 says; The Lord forgives our sins, heals us when we are sick and protects us from death.

Amen to that!

Thank you all for you prayers and encouragement. The surgery went well. They took out a lot of bad stuff (a lot more than they expected to be in there), and they were able to leave in all the good stuff (my ovaries). If you want all the details, leave me your email address. Just don't want to gross anyone out :) 

Weird.

You know what's weird? Me actually writing posts two days in a row.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

Here's the deal.

I am having surgery and would love your prayers.

There....I said it. I don't know why I have had such an issue with sharing my health problems with you all, because I know that among you there are many prayer warriors and friends.

I actually sat down yesterday to tell you about my surgery, and somehow it became a really lame story about a flashlight.

Consider my blog just another victim of my hormonal mindlessness.

How does a surgery post turn into a story about a flashlight? The same way I fall asleep in the park, or go the entire day with my shirt on inside out, or drive halfway to work before I realize that it is Saturday, and I am suppose be going somewhere else.

Long story short, I have lots of stuff inside of me that shouldn't be there....specifically on my ovaries. In hopes to avoid surgery, they have been experimenting on me. I have been on four different varieties and strengths of hormones over the last year or so, and other than giving me hot flashes and making me completely nuts, they have done no good.

Last week one of my doctors told me I was just weird. Unfortunately she was not talking about my personality.

On Friday, March 25th, I will be having surgery to remove cysts and tumors, and I would be so grateful for your prayers. They are also hoping that surgery will give a little more clarity as to what exactly is going on inside my body.

It feels good to have that out there.

I have to admit that I am worried about getting anxiety over this. Man, I have problems. But really, so far I am feeling okay, and am ready to get answers.

Thanks for listening,

The Good, The Bad, and The Bob

Yesterday I went back to the doctor. Once again, the results are the same. My doctor views surgery as a last resort, so we are pumping up my meds. The good news is she wants to give them time to work, so I won't have testing again for 4 months. Four months without doctor bills will be oh so nice!

I appreciate all your continued prayers, and although the test results haven't changed, I have recently had less pain, so that is definitely a praise.

On a lighter note, I took yesterday off work for my appointments. Today, when I returned, my coworkers informed me that My Little Sweetheart spent the day announcing that I wasn't at work because I was in the bedroom with Bob. Yes, I gasped too.

My coworkers are actually enjoying the Bob scenario, and tease me about it as much as possible.

We have decided the father of my child was inspired by one of these familiar faces:

Bachelor #1
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #3

So, who do you think it is? Personally, I am rooting for Bachelor #2.

A Mother's Heart

I turned 13 living in a women's shelter.

It wasn't the ideal situation. Sharing a bedroom and bathroom with up to 11 other people. Not going to school. Living off the bare-pickings in the food pantry. Having nothing to my name but the clothes on my back and a few items from the donation closet.

It was a challenging time, but what most would assume to be a dark time in my life turned out to be anything but.

The circumstances that took us there (my mom, sister and I) were definitely dark. It was a protective shelter, for women and children escaping abusive situations. But God, in his true character, used that ugly situation and created something beautiful.

It was there, in that shelter, that God revealed in me a mother's heart.

My sister and I were the oldest children in the shelter. There were lots of little ones, and there were lots of mothers. Mothers who were beaten, broken, and tired. It was there, when the mothers escaped mentally and emotionally, and sometimes even physically, that God revealed part of his plan for me.

I loved those little ones with all of my heart, and I helped to care for them whenever I could. There, in a situation that I am sure the devil intended to tear me down, I was built up instead. Changing diapers, giving baths, tucking the little ones in at night, these things gave me joy.

Since that time, God has continued to grow in me a mother's heart. A heart to love, care for, encourage, disciple, and celebrate the lives of children. He has blessed me with jobs and relationships where I can do all these things.

But he has yet to bless me with my own child.

And that brings me to today, where I am faced with what could be another dark situation.

In September I started having shooting pains in my stomach. After testing, testing, and more testing, the doctors have, over the last 8 months, diagnosed me with a condition that is not life-threatening, but could, and will likely, effect my ability to have children.

I have been prayed for. Many people have laid their hands on me in prayers for healing. Every 4 weeks I have gone in for more testing, each time hanging on to the hope that the results will be different than the months before. Each time walking away disappointed.

This is not something I have shared with a lot of people. Strangers who have prayed for me know more than many of my dear friends. But a couple nights ago I was praying, and God reminded me how he has taken ugly situations in my life, and turned them into something beautiful. And then he challenged me. The question that swept over my heart was this: How are these things going to bring God glory if I don't share them?

So I am writing this to say that I have faith. God has placed in me a mother's heart, and He has a plan to use it for his glory.

I have faith that He can heal me. But I also have faith that His ways are higher than my ways.

I go in for more testing tomorrow.

Maybe this time I will be healed. Maybe not. Either way I continue to hold on to the truth that He has something greater planned for me than I could ever imagine. Either way, I will hold on to this truth, and I will not walk away disappointed.

Because, in this very moment, He is creating something beautiful.