Well

It was how I saw her. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. She was well. She was well in the way that she lived, the way that she made every person around her feel their worth. She loved well, the way that she offered kindness and grace when they were anything but deserved.

As I lay in my bed keeping watch, joining a community of people praying for her, people who loved her from every corner of the world, it was the only word that could manage to escape as I wept.

Well.

I didn't understand why, in those last weeks, this was the word that my heart cried for her; but it did relentlessly.

In a time in my life where I needed grace, there she was. She prayed scripture over me and spoke truth in my life, like she did for many others. She lived so well.

At her memorial service her husband shared how she continued to intercede on behalf of the other cancer patients in those last weeks, even in her darkest hours. And the song, he said, that she played continuously through those final days, the song that gave her comfort, It Is Well.

"Through it all, my eyes are on You, and it is well with me." 

In her true character, she went with grace. She went well. And now she is well.

Looking back on the year we will soon leave behind, I look back on much loss. Thankful to have met many on my journey and to have walked with them for a while, even if far too short. As I say goodbye again and again, I am reminded of the uncertainty of life and the certainty of death.

In her life I see a picture of what it means to live well, and as I walk into the new year, that picture of a life well lived is what I will take with me. The urgency to love with the moments we are given.

Well: Thoroughly, completely.

It's my heart's prayer.

Live well. 

In loving memory of my teacher, mentor, and friend, Rebecca Michelle Carter. 

Home Sweet Home

For friends and family too far away to stop by, here are some pictures of my new home! I just started moving, so as you can see, no furniture yet :)

My quaint little home :)

Living room, with a perfect place to hang my favorite picture

Dining room

Kitchen and laundry room

Kitchen and coffee nook

Bedroom 1

My teeny tiny bathroom

Bedroom 2, the only ugly room that needs a paint job

Living room/hallway

Back yard

Lemon and orange trees

Lots of other trees, including peach, apricot, lime :)

On a Less Serious Note...

Today I am officially 1/3 of the way done with graduate school. To top it off, I just received my test scores from three of the five ridiculously hard tests that I have to take in order to teach special education in California, and to my amazement, I.passed.them.all. (Four crazy tests officially down, one to go)!

All that said, it hasn't been done without many sacrifices. So it was much appreciated when Ry gave me this personal note of encouragement.

Okay, I'm motivated. Now carry on.

Full Circle

Three years ago I wrote a sympathy card. It was to a friend from high school. Both she and her brother went to the small school that I graduated from. I knew them through a few classes together and the occasional friendly conversation and social event, but we weren't close enough to keep in touch past graduation.

Several years ago Donny began his battle with cancer, and three years ago he went to be with the Lord. It was one of those situations where my heart broke for his family, and especially his sister, Cynthia. It was one of those awkward situations where I wanted to help in someway, but it had been years since we had even spoken, so I didn't really know what to do.

So I sent a card. I wrote words that I could probably never say face-to-face (because I am bad at getting real in real-life).

Today Cynthia posted this on her Facebook page:

This is the card that I sent three years ago, worn from three years of being carried in a purse..."To remind me that I am never alone, to remind me to step out for other people, to remind me that there are people praying for you and considering you and you would never even know it."

Seeing this and reading Cynthia's words was humbling and encouraging at the same time.

You see, lately I have been feeling worn. I've been working really hard at a lot of things. I have grown tired; tired of trying to give my best all the time and often failing, tired of trying to go above and beyond, tired of never feeling like enough, and especially tired of feeling like none of these things make a difference.

Today the encouragement came full circle, and when I needed it the most Cynthia reminded me that the little things do matter. Prayers and kind words make a difference. I was reminded that God is in the small things, and that heart stirs and God-given nudges are filled with purpose.

Even if we don't see the purpose until three years later, or ever.

One of those moments

While I lack the time to write new posts, I will be wiping the dust off of some old stories that I've told here. This is a repost  from 2008, inspired by the summer I spent in Malawi, circa 2004.

I was looking through some old pictures and I came across this:



I love this picture for so many reasons. Obviously I was not quite ready...for the picture or for the moment. You see, this picture was taken my first time in Africa. I was in the country of Malawi, and I believe this was one of our first moments with the kids. I was excited, happy, overwhelmed. I had just graduated from college and I thought I knew it all. Little did I know how much I was about to learn, the adventures that would lie ahead, or the passion that was being ignited in me. I love honest pictures like this. This is one of those moments I hope I never forget.

Celebrating Life

Can you believe this little girl is already 3 months old?

 I am so proud of her momma, who stepped into the role of
motherhood as naturally as possible.

Today Aleah got to meet Jerrie, who is one of my best friends and a spiritual mother.

They had some good conversation. I hope Aleah is soaking up all of that wisdom :)

Also in this week's news...

On Wednesday my grandma turned 86 years old.

Although quite the feat for anyone, I am extra thankful for this woman. Two years ago she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and given a few months to live (if that). Today she is cancer free, and she did it without chemo. I am proud to say that I inherited a bit of her stubborn streak, as she is living proof that it can be a good thing. Now if only I inherit just an inkling of her faith, I'll be able to move mountains.

Just a quick update on Yelena's adoption grant.

In the last week since I posted Breaking Down Barriers, $400 has been added to Yelena's adoption grant! As the amount keeps growing my body is having a hard time determining if I should jump for joy or break down in tears. Either way, thank you so very much to each of you who have shared Yelena's profile or given. Let's keep the momentum going!

Last but not least, God has entrusted this beautiful one here (another daughter of my heart) with a son who we will be welcoming into the world on Monday.

If God puts her on your mind or impresses her on your heart in the next few days, please pray for a safe and healthy delivery for both mom and baby, and just for lots of goodness to be poured into this little family. 

I'd love to hear what you have to celebrate this week!

Lately

It's official: I've become a lazy blogger. I have no excuses. Life has been exciting and full of so much blog-worthy material. So, to make up for my lack of blogging lately, I'm going to give you one big exciting update of some of the crazy wonderful things that have been happening in my little corner of the world.


*I have back to school jitters! It's been 8 1/2 years since I graduated with my bachelors degree, and I am going back to school! If all goes according to schedule I will graduate in 25 months with a masters degree in special education, as well as my credential for moderate-severe disabilities. I am a little nervous about getting back in the groove of working full-time and going to school full-time (and the money thing, but we won't dwell on that), but God has really been growing my dreams of combining my passion for impoverished nations and children with special needs, and I can't wait to see what that looks like.



* Bobbiann had her baby! Welcome Aleah Grace, born on August 4, 2012. Both Mom and Baby are healthy and happy!

*Somewhere in the world two sweet sisters have met their Momma and Daddy. There have been lots of hugs, laughs, fun, and maybe even a few meltdowns to remind us all that kids are kids. Needless to say, beautiful things are happening. I will share photos and more details with you as soon as the process is complete and all are home safe. (Please don't use names or details in the comments section, just for protection of the process.)


*Last but not least, I am welcoming a new member to my family. I will be sponsoring Tadiwa through Beautiful Feet Global Outreach. She lives in Zimbabwe and stole my heart the moment I saw her. The good news is this will be a group sponsorship, so if you find that Tadiwa has burrowed her way into your heart as she has mine, I will soon be sharing more details in how you can join me in sponsoring her. For now I will leave you with a photo of her so you can soak up some of her joy.

Finding Mary

I showed up at an outreach that Thanksgiving morning with my “Martha” apron on. I was ready to mash potatoes, serve green beans, wash the dishes, even scrub the toilets. But I had never met the guy in charge, and he mistook me for a “Mary” and sent me out to the streets.

I walked for about an hour, inviting those along the way to a warm meal. Then I saw her. She was half bent over, talking desperately into the payphone to the voice on the other line. I waited at a distance until she hung up. I invited her to dinner, and she said yes without hesitation.

We walked and talked like old friends, and she tore my Martha apron right off. By the time we reached the church I knew her story, even the most intimate and painful details. The next night she came over for dinner at my house, and on Sunday I picked her up for church.

She became a friend. Not a project. Not someone to fix; someone to love.

For a while Rachel was a big part of my life. I can’t say for sure if she was changed by me, but I was certainly changed by her.

On Sundays I would pick her up from the house where she was staying. She shared the home with dozens of other people and slept on the couch in the living room. Usually my arrival would be her alarm clock. I would step over passed out bodies and wait patiently on the couch while she dressed. Some days her dreadlocked roommate would sit and smoke and challenge himself to a game of chess while chatting with me about life and love and God.

Then one morning, a few months into our friendship, I went to pick her up and she was gone. No doubt her adventurous spirit moved her on to the next unknown.

I still think of Rachel and say a prayer for her from time to time. And when I do I remember how thankful I am for my friend who helped teach me what it means to love my neighbor.

The Martha in me had always led me to serve my neighbor naturally. But my friendship with Rachel taught me that love is not always about what I can give or do, but rather about what we can share. Sometimes it is something tangible, like a warm meal, clean water, or a bus ticket. But more often love finds itself in places like open conversation, laughter, and shared silence between friends.

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'"

Luke 10:38-42

Thirty

My last day in eighth grade I sat in English class as my teacher lectured us about high school and peer pressure and life. I don't remember much about that class, my teacher (other than she showered with her cats), or that lecture. In fact, I don't even remember her name. But there is one specific thing she said that I remember to this day...especially on this day. One single statement that distinctly stands out in my mind:

"Every year will go by faster than the last, and one day you'll turn around and you will be thirty, and you'll think back on today and feel like it was last week."

True that.

So much has happened since then, I don't know how it feels like it just happened, but it does. All I know is that today I woke up, turned around, and by some crazy scary time trickery, I am thirty.

It's been a wonderful, exciting, painful, healing, learning, growing, aching, losing, joyful, and stretching thirty years.

I have lived in 30 homes in 12 cities and two countries. "Home" has been found in apartments and houses,  dormitories and travel lodges, shelters and living room floors. There have been so many people I have loved and been loved by in these many places. Many people who have stepped in to help in hard times. Friends and family members and near strangers have welcomed me in with open my arms, offering me their homes or their hearts, sometimes both. Even a caring social worker who risked her career to allow me to sleep on her couch for a month.

By these people -many many people- who have crossed my path and offered their kindness on this journey, I have been so very blessed.

I also can't help but to look back and realize that I have loved many, but I have also lost many. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, much of my african family, a brother, friends, a best friend, my first love. Many who helped me see how wonderful life is, whose absence leaves an ache with every step I take without them. Yet in their memory I find some of the greatest beauty that life has to offer.

For having them walk beside me for a short while here on earth, I have been so very blessed.

I have made big and stupid mistakes, taken crazy risks, failed miserably, found great purpose, tasted great adventure, and loved with reckless abandon. I have hurt and been hurt many times along the way.

But for the freedom to make these choices, and through each experience that has left me stronger, wiser, or more compassionate,  I have been so very blessed.

It is easy at times to see the bad, and it is easy right now to look back and wonder what might have been. Life so far has not been predictable or anything that I have expected. I must acknowledge and give proper mourning to hopes and dreams that I know will never be, but I must not cheapen or neglect the gifts that God has given me in their place.

One day His plan will be made known and then I will see: His hopes and dreams for me, they are so much better than my own. And for this I am so very blessed.

So, dear thirty, although I may not yet be willing to welcome you with open arms, I will accept you. I will live with you and grow with you and expect no less of you than completely wild, crazy, and bold unpredictability.

Bring it on.

True Story

Today I went to Target. As I walked in the store I realized I wasn't sure what exactly I was there for.

Naturally I bought some fresh popped popcorn and left.

I came home and looked in the mirror and my shirt is on inside out.

And I still don't remember what I needed at Target.

The New 'Do

13 inches lighter

(and a few shades darker)

Incredibly Great

I just have to say, I have some of the greatest friends in the world. And this friend, she is one of the incredibly-great ones.

There's nothing like a knock on the door at 10:30 pm on Valentine's Day from your best friend bringing you presents!

Now, let me clarify, she is not super great because she gives me stuff, she is super great because of how thoughtful she is (plus many more reasons).

She brought me a balloon and flowers...

My ticket to see Francis Chan speak about courage...

A beautiful (homemade and chocolatey) ring...

And possibly my favorite, the cutest card I think I've ever seen...

Like I said, she's great.

Thanks Mary Ann, I love you!

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day, and that today you have been reminded how very loved you are, 'cause you are.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters."

1 John 3:16

Just Call Me Meemaw

Yep. Gonna be a grandma(ish).

She's the closest thing I have to a daughter (in my heart it's the real deal). And she is having a baby.

Come August life is going to get Kuh-Ray-Zee.
But it's also going to get a little a lot more beautiful.

The List

In honor of my big 30 coming up and freaking out a bit a lot about not knowing what I want or am supposed to do with my life at this ripe old age, I decided it was time to brush off the old "bucket list".

Some of these were written as far back as elementary school (#46), and some are recent additions (#27, #45). Some are of high importance (#25, #30), and one is the result of an hour of shame after running across Jersey Shore while I was housesitting (#47, and I should never be given access to cable). Some things have been removed as I realized I no longer had a desire to be on Fear Factor or live life as a train jumper, and according to my rules that is completely okay. I am sure I will continue to add things as well.

So, my friends, here it is. If anyone cares, you can see my progress through clicking on "The List" tab on top of my home page (I'll be adding in some pictures there as well). If you have posted a life list, feel free to share your link in the comments. I am always intrigued to see what is on other's lists as well (and sometimes steal good ideas).

1. See Aurora Borealis in real life

2. Hug a stranger

3. Live in a third-world country

4. Walk the Via Dolorosa

5. See the pyramids

6. Go skydiving

7. Get lost in Italy

8. Run or walk a half-marathon

9. Donate hair to locks of love

10. Ride a camel

11. Eat dolma in Turkey

12. Run an after-school program

13. Become a mentor

14. Go bungee jumping

15. Preach in a prison

16. Ride on a train and do lots of other amazing stuff in India

17. Meet Dilsly in India

18. Work with street children in Bangladesh

19. Meet Elahi in Bangladesh

20. Love on orphans in Haiti

21. Meet Lorkems in Haiti

22. Meet Ruth in Uganda

23. Be a better friend (ongoing)

24. Learn how to bellydance

25. Adopt

26. Learn how to cook traditional Middle-Eastern food (kubbeh, dolma, hummus, tabouli, lentil soup; YUM)

27. Learn how to fly fish

28. Master cooking a complete Indian meal

29. Learn about my Cherokee ancestors and see where my grandparents and great-grandparents were born

30. See Bethany and Erin find their forever family

31. Write down memoirs as told by my grandparents

32. Hang out with elephants in Africa (elephants are the best)

33. Dance in the rain

34. Dine with the homeless

35. Love my neighbors (ongoing)

36. Grow my own vegetable garden and share with my neighbors

37. Grow my own flower garden and take friends fresh flowers just because

38. Learn how to swing dance

39. Go sailing in South Africa

40. Meet Nelson Mandela

41. Forgive (God knows the specifics)

42. Learn how to change a tire

43. Fall in love in Mexico

44. Get a tattoo

45. Help deliver a baby

46. Win a hoola-hooping contest 

47. Taste fried pickles

48. Discover the best albondigas in the world and then learn how to make them

49. Meet Cat, Melissa, and Mark in real life (preferably in conjunction with loving on some orphans)

Slumber No More

Awaken.

Yep, 2012, that's my word.

My favorite part is that I know God gave me this word, because honestly, I'm not really sure what it even means- atleast not in relation to my life and the next year. Plus, I know it was God because I am always on time- usually early- and, well, God was a little late on this one. On January 1st I was tempted to just choose my own word, but then I figured that if the word comes from me and not Him, it's not really worth all the to-do.  Plus, God controls all this time stuff anyways...and I hear that His timing is always perfect.

Perfect it was, indeed. The very day God put this word on my heart, I cashed in a giftcard for the new Needtobreathe album.

I downloaded the c.d. as I rushed out the door to the airport. A few hours later, on the plane to Colorado, fully absorbed in the wonderful that is Needtobreathe, these words rang through my ears and made me want to jump out of my seat and dance:

Days they force you
Back under those covers
Lazy mornings they multiply
But glory's waiting
Outside your window
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
....
Tongues are violent
Personal and focused
Tough to beat with
Your steady mind
But hearts are stronger after broken
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
...
All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes
(Slumber- Needtobreathe- The Reckoning)

Coincidence or confirmation, only God knows, but I have to say that I am so excited to see how God opens up my eyes this year.

P.S. click here for some ear candy :)