Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My Dating Profile

As I inch closer to 30, it seems like people are getting more and more determined to get me married off.

Currently I am incredibly content in my singleness. I just wish everyone else was.

As you have noticed, dating is not really a topic I share about online, although there really is not much to share. But I will say that through the collaboration of several experiences, I have come to the conclusion that dating is pure evil.

For the most part, the first couple dates are interviews where we try to come off as the most qualified candidate with the most polished answers. Which is useless, because it's all fake. And, personally, I have a hard time following through this stage to see what is on the other side because it is like suffering a slow and awkward death.

I think the first few dates should reveal all the weird, eccentric, possible deal-breaker stuff. Cause really, you've gotta be cool with all that stuff to get anywhere.

With that said, I do not currently have a dating profile online of elsewhere (and don't plan to), but if I did, it would go something like this:

My name is Rebecca, and I am 29 years old (until Friday, anyways). I have brown hair that is being over taken by uncontrollable frizzy grays. I have a pitbull that is my baby, who will bark and growl at you and probably scare the crap out of you the first time you meet him. But if you make it through that, he will love you for life. Did I mention he sleeps in my bed? I talk to him pretty much all the time, and if he is not around I talk to myself.

I love to laugh, and usually the things I think are really funny no one else finds amusing...at all. When I laugh really hard I snort, but usually this only happens in really inappropriate places, like the library. Or church.

I believe in bigfoot, pop my knuckles, have a major thing for Robert Downey Jr. (who I call Bobby), shave my legs as little as possible, and I love (I mean LOVE) to argue. I am really frugal and will not throw out a pair of good comfy pants until wearing them walks the line of indecent exposure. If I wear an outfit I feel good in on Saturday, most likely you will see me in it on Sunday. And maybe even on Monday.

I can sleep anywhere, and atleast one day a week you can find me napping at the park on my break. I love So You Think You Can Dance, and watching it makes me think I can dance. But believe me, I can't. Ask my dog.

I work with special needs kids, and I will be telling you lots of kid stories. Many of them will include bodily functions and fluids, and I will expect you to listen to them all. And maybe even enjoy it.

Turn-ons include: foreign men in capri pants, an appreciation of children and recognition of their brilliance, a great sense of adventure, humility, wackiness.

Turn-offs include: ignorance, perfectionism, rude driving, materialism, laziness, fear of getting dirty.

Oh, and by the way, at the drop of the dime, if God says, "Go," I will pick up and go to any desolate, impoverished, or dangerous place He may send me.

Still interested? Drop me line. (But don't really, this isn't real, kay?)


12 comments:

Kayla said...

Don't knock online dating until you try it. I signed up on a Christian dating site and I've been talking to a great guy for about a month now. I'm excited to see where it goes!

Melissa Irwin said...

You are a riot!!!! It's a brilliant ad and you should do it! You lost me at "pitbull" but then you quickly captured my attention again. If I were a foreign man in capri pants, I would date you in a heartbeat!

Melissa Irwin said...

by the way - i have a few christian friends who are now married to peeps they met in online dating services.

Rebecca said...

Thanks Melissa!

And Kayla- several of my friends are married to people they met online, it just has no appeal to me. At this point I feel like I may or may not get married, and feel okay either way. Maybe one day if God really puts it on my heart to find a husband I would consider it, but not right now! You'll have to keep me up to date about your experience and this guy you are talking to!

Cathrine said...

The problem with online dating sites such as eHarmony, is that they reject people. But they do it so nicely. "We did not find anyone that you are compatible with." It happens. I'm a living testimony that it happens. I feel like I should be having my walk of shame. Right about now. I was rejected from eharmony.com.

I did, however, have a brief moment where I considered making my own dating website. I still might. I could make millions. And give it all away.

I actually really like your description, and you should put it on eharmony, just to see what kind of errrmmm interesting? people you meet. The court TV channel also says there's a ChristianMingle.com site. I'm still not sure that chatting up single women online is part of God's plan. But who knows? I'll ask Him when I get to heaven.

The first time I met Josh, I accused him of taking the last salad bowl and told him that he was taking too long in line.

I, too, am not a fan of pretending to be something you're not. Just be mean to them from the getgo. If they stick around, then you can start being nice to them.

Jennifer said...

You're a keeper! :) Love this post.

Rebecca said...

@Cat- If it makes you feel better, my sister was rejected by eharmony too! And she has been happily married for 7 years now. I think I'll take your advice and try the mean thing. I can be good at mean :)

@Jennifer- Thanks Jen!

2boymommy said...

Dude, I would date you! Well maybe if you didn't wear the same outfit for 3 days in a row.... Ha!
Love you! CANNOT WAIT to see you!

Mark Langham said...

hahahahaha

oh dear

hahahahahaha

capri pants. hahahaaaaaa

otherwise the best dating profile (ok lets be honest the only dating profile) I've ever read!

Jess Elyse said...

hahaha I love this! This is the perfect dating profile. You really do need to save this and use it if the need ever rises.

I once joked with my mom that I was going to join an online dating site when I became 22, but let's face it. That is really young and still have plenty of time. I'm turning 24 this year, maybe it's time. ha!

I too don't think that online dating is for me, but I do know people that have had great things come from it.

Cheers to singleness! :-)

Hez said...

Love it, and the fact that you are perfectly happy in your singleness. I believe so many people miss out on the opportunities God is giving them, because they are chasing other people.

And if you can't be honest to begin with, what do you have to look forward too! *cheers* to singleness :)

Speed Dating Glasgow said...

Yes, when you stop chasing you destiny it will appear in the most perfect moment ever!!! Just have fun, work, go your way. This waiting isn't a bad thing at all.