Well

It was how I saw her. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. She was well. She was well in the way that she lived, the way that she made every person around her feel their worth. She loved well, the way that she offered kindness and grace when they were anything but deserved.

As I lay in my bed keeping watch, joining a community of people praying for her, people who loved her from every corner of the world, it was the only word that could manage to escape as I wept.

Well.

I didn't understand why, in those last weeks, this was the word that my heart cried for her; but it did relentlessly.

In a time in my life where I needed grace, there she was. She prayed scripture over me and spoke truth in my life, like she did for many others. She lived so well.

At her memorial service her husband shared how she continued to intercede on behalf of the other cancer patients in those last weeks, even in her darkest hours. And the song, he said, that she played continuously through those final days, the song that gave her comfort, It Is Well.

"Through it all, my eyes are on You, and it is well with me." 

In her true character, she went with grace. She went well. And now she is well.

Looking back on the year we will soon leave behind, I look back on much loss. Thankful to have met many on my journey and to have walked with them for a while, even if far too short. As I say goodbye again and again, I am reminded of the uncertainty of life and the certainty of death.

In her life I see a picture of what it means to live well, and as I walk into the new year, that picture of a life well lived is what I will take with me. The urgency to love with the moments we are given.

Well: Thoroughly, completely.

It's my heart's prayer.

Live well. 

In loving memory of my teacher, mentor, and friend, Rebecca Michelle Carter. 

One Word 2013

Desperate: overwhelming urgency; reckless or dangerous because of despair

"Desperate is a strong word. That's why I like it. People who are desperate are rude, frantic and reckless. Desperate people are explosive, focused, and uncompromising in their desire to get what they want. Someone who is desperate will crash through the veil of niceness. The New Testament is filled with desperate people--people who barged into private dinners, screamed at Jesus until they had his attention, or destroyed the roof of someone's house to get to him. People who are desperate for spirituality very seldom worry about the mess they make on their way to be with Jesus." (Taken from Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli).

It may not be the kindest or most appealing word. It may not even be appropriate. And truthfully, it scares me a little. But as we start a new year, it is a word that I hope will change me, that will become me.

Recklessly pushing through the crowd just to touch Jesus' cloak, desperate for healing. Turning over tables in desperation for justice.  Desperate for more of Him and less of me.

Awaken

At the beginning of the year God gave me the word "AWAKEN" as my one word.

In all honesty, this "one word" thing has become quite the trend, and although I believe the word awaken didn't come from me, I was not expecting much. But as much as I try to avoid somewhat cheesy Christian trends, I really felt that the word was firmly impressed on my heart, so I went with it.

Until a couple months ago the word "wrestle" would have fit this year much better. Awaken had been pushed far to the back of my mind. I spent months wrestling with fear and doubt, but most of all wrestling with God. I guess the fact that this wrestling resulted in many sleepless nights could come back to the word awaken, but if I  thought that this was what God meant when he spoke the word into my heart, I would have said "No. Thank. You."

Then, about two months ago, I had my moment. Not to be cheesy, but I had my awakening. Literally. The dawn broke and my eyes were opened. And without a doubt I knew what God created me to do.

My vision is still coming into focus, but God has given me an overwhelming passion to bring change for special needs and vulnerable children around the world, specifically through educating their caregivers and communities and being a light in dark places. There is so much that God is building onto this foundation (He's preparing the hearts of a team as we speak, which you may be part of ;), but I need a little more tweaking and twisting and breaking before I can share these things.

After my eye-opening moment I thought that was it. Awaken made sense now, God did what He was gonna do with that word in my life. And I was satisfied. I guess it was a bit prideful of me to think he showed me all He was gonna show me, just like that.

Then just last week I was driving and thinking, and before you know it I was weeping. You see, I have had a broken heart for special needs and vulnerable children for a long time. Until my awakening I just didn't know to what extent that worked into who I am or who God is molding me to be.

And then God showed me something that honestly made me feel a bit dense. The puzzle pieces all started to fall together, and I have no idea why I never placed them together before.

I have talked about God teaching me to love my neighbor. To do what God is asking me to do I must try to understand the challenges, joys, and heartache of having a child born with special needs. I know I can not come close to fully understanding, because I have not walked in those shoes.  I have asked God why He is choosing me for this task when I am incapable. Why not assign me to something that I can better relate to? Something deeply intertwined in my life. Something in my roots.

And then on that drive home I started thinking about my brother. I never met him, as he died before I was born. My parents never even got to bring him home. And although my parents were not given the chance to raise him, my parents know the heartache of having a child born with special needs and the pain of losing a child because of his disability.

Then I thought of my grandparents who spent many years as foster parents. One of their most beloved foster children had special needs. He lived with them for several years. My mother's parents know the challenges and rewards of raising a child with special needs.

And then I thought of my aunt, now in her 50's, who still functions as a child. How hard it was for my grandparents when they were physically no longer able to care for her. How both of them, on their deathbeds, were deeply pained by the question of if she would be able to deal with her emotions and function without them. My father's parents know the struggles and joys of raising a child with special needs.

And now I see, this passion I have is something deeply intertwined into who I am. This vision is more than hopes and dreams for the future. It is in my roots.

There are three months left in this year of awakening, and I stand in awe of who He is and all He has shown me, and I stand in wonder of what He has yet to reveal.

Slumber No More

Awaken.

Yep, 2012, that's my word.

My favorite part is that I know God gave me this word, because honestly, I'm not really sure what it even means- atleast not in relation to my life and the next year. Plus, I know it was God because I am always on time- usually early- and, well, God was a little late on this one. On January 1st I was tempted to just choose my own word, but then I figured that if the word comes from me and not Him, it's not really worth all the to-do.  Plus, God controls all this time stuff anyways...and I hear that His timing is always perfect.

Perfect it was, indeed. The very day God put this word on my heart, I cashed in a giftcard for the new Needtobreathe album.

I downloaded the c.d. as I rushed out the door to the airport. A few hours later, on the plane to Colorado, fully absorbed in the wonderful that is Needtobreathe, these words rang through my ears and made me want to jump out of my seat and dance:

Days they force you
Back under those covers
Lazy mornings they multiply
But glory's waiting
Outside your window
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
....
Tongues are violent
Personal and focused
Tough to beat with
Your steady mind
But hearts are stronger after broken
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes
...
All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes
(Slumber- Needtobreathe- The Reckoning)

Coincidence or confirmation, only God knows, but I have to say that I am so excited to see how God opens up my eyes this year.

P.S. click here for some ear candy :)