Monday, April 11, 2011

On Days Like Today

Two years ago when I discovered that the severe pain I was having was an issue involving my ovaries, I had hope. Hope that this issue would go away on its own and leave me healthy and feeling good, and able to have children.

Since then I have had test after test, doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment, and after each one I find my hope has dwindled just a little.

Then two weeks ago I had surgery. Going into surgery I had hope that after all the bad stuff was removed, I would recover and be healthy and feeling good, and be able to have children.

After the surgery I learned that although I kept the good stuff that I need, the bad stuff was everywhere, and that the cause of it is something that comes back. Still, I had hope that after surgery I would recover and be healthy and feeling good for a long time, maybe even years, before it comes back, and that during this time I would be able to have children.

Then today I had my post-op appointment, and lets just say that I came home with what's left of my hope. If I am able to have children, it will be by the grace of God. And either way, with or without being able to carry a child of my own, it's going to be a long and painful road, just living with my diagnosis.

In the beginning of this journey, I found this verse, and since have carried it with me, close to my heart.

"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the Lord. Isaiah 54:1
I know that God has given me a Mother's Heart, and he has blessed me with many children to love. But to be honest, it is still hard.

I try to 'Sing and shout for joy', and most days I do. But somedays, like today, all I can do is cling to the hope that I have, and cry.


Mark Langham said...

It's 2 a.m in Mississippi and I'm praying for you Rebecca. For peace and joy and a revelation of how God is working in and through you in all of this. Thank you for sharing your pain and your faith in the midst of your suffering.

Cathrine said...

I am praying for you, girl. God has a completely different, completely awesome plan for you - plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future. What an ever so amazing promise.

Rebecca said...

Mark- So that explains why I slept so peacefully last night :) Thank you so much.

Cat- Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. They really do help.

Jess Elyse said...

And remember that God works out all things for good, for those that love Him. I can only imagine what it would be like to go through this, but I pray too that you will be overwhelmed with peace! And that you remember that wherever you go, you are being held in the palm of a Mighty God's hand and that He adores you and is holding you in the shadow of His wing. And it is a pretty big wing! ;-)

Praying for you, Becca!

Rebecca said...

Thanks Jess :)

Jill Foley said...

This has to be heartbreaking for you. I have a friend who never married and never had her own children, who also clung to this verse as a promise from God. She (with Compassion's help) started her own child sponsorship program in the DR called Hands of Grace. She sees those children as the ones God promised her through this verse.

Praying for the others have already said, God's plan is so much bigger and better than any of our own. Trust Him.

Ophelia Blom said...

Oh, Rebecca... I am so sorry to hear this, and will be praying for your peace, comfort, and health. HE is in the midst of every trial; we are not alone; He walks with us; our journey with Him is what truly satisfies.

Rebecca said...

Jill- That is awesome! I know that children of my own or not, God's completely got a plan for me cause he didn't give me a passion for kids for nothin' :) Your friend's story excites me and motivates me about the possibilities of what God has in store!

Ophelia- Thank you so much! I go through ups and downs through this whole thing, but the last few days I have just felt an overwhelming peace, and I know it is because of the prayers and encouragement of people like you.

Laura Darling said...

Oh Rebecca I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say...but you are in my prayers.

Sarah said...

There so many things to say that I'm sure you already know :) But, sometimes it just hurts, sometimes it doesn't make sense, sometimes you wonder:

"What good is a 'helper' who has no one to help?"
"What good is a 'mother' who has no children?"

In the darkest hours, you even wonder, 'am I even truly a woman?'

I think of Sarah (the other one) and her life of pain, doubt, and disappointment and the desperate things she did to be the woman, the mother, she desired to be. She caused so much pain in her desperation, and yet God never forgot her.

"Sarah said, 'God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.'" Gen 21:6

You're not alone and He hasn't forgotten you!

In the mean time, I'm praying for you!

--(the other) Sarah

Jamie Laslo said...

Somehow I stumbled across your blog today and wanted to say something as I truly relate. My life's work is with Ugandan children. And while I have been able to have one wonderful biological child, I have miscarried many babies. Hope is there, even when it is frail. I remember that each time I look at my little girl. And HE is there in the mourning with peace.

Rebecca said...

(other)Sarah- Thank you so much. Sarah's story is definitely an encouragement.

Jamie- I am sorry to hear about your losses, but its sweet to know that they rest in the Savior's arms. Your words are encouraging, and God has really been teaching me so much about his peace. Thank you.

Lala said...

I have PCOS and likely impaired or non-existent fertility, and there is nothing I want more in this life than to raise children. But God has given me a peace about it. I do know there are some treatments, but even before I learned that, even before I had my diagnosis (a month ago), I just knew God is on my side and he gave me this desires and will put them to good use. My diagnosis was a relief after years of believing I had PCOS, but at the same time, it feels like an end. still, I rest in Him, knowing his timing is perfect. Maybe he needs to pull a Sarah with me, so I can spend my childless years loving his motherless children.

Rebecca said...

@ Lala, sounds like we are in similar places in many ways. I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I feel honored that your shared with me, and it is always nice to have someone who really understands.

Lala said...

Yeah-- I love connecting with similar people via blogger. I actually found you through comments on Mark's ^ blog

Once I saw the compassion kids I had to keep reading :) ( I found him through a search of people who like Compassion)

So cool that we can "meet" people all over the world who share our soulds