Two years ago when I discovered that the severe pain I was having was an issue involving my ovaries, I had hope. Hope that this issue would go away on its own and leave me healthy and feeling good, and able to have children.
Since then I have had test after test, doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment, and after each one I find my hope has dwindled just a little.
Then two weeks ago I had surgery. Going into surgery I had hope that after all the bad stuff was removed, I would recover and be healthy and feeling good, and be able to have children.
After the surgery I learned that although I kept the good stuff that I need, the bad stuff was everywhere, and that the cause of it is something that comes back. Still, I hadhopethat after surgery I would recover and be healthy and feeling good for a long time, maybe even years, before it comes back, and that during this time I would be able to have children.
Then today I had my post-op appointment, and lets just say that I came home with what's left of my hope. If I am able to have children, it will be by the grace of God. And either way, with or without being able to carry a child of my own, it's going to be a long and painful road, just living with my diagnosis.
In the beginning of this journey, I found this verse, and since have carried it with me, close to my heart.
"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the Lord. Isaiah 54:1
I know that God has given me a Mother's Heart, and he has blessed me with many children to love. But to be honest, it is still hard.
I try to 'Sing and shout for joy', and most days I do. But somedays, like today, all I can do is cling to the hope that I have, and cry.